Bizarre Adventures Aboard A Royal Navy Polaris/Trident Submarine
Previously posted on Reelshow Mag
Nuclear Submarine
For mainly security reasons the name of the Submarine, the dates and names of the personnel have been withheld
Many years ago I was privileged to be involved in a crew that would join a Royal Navy Polaris Nuclear Submarine for its shakedown cruise before it went off on a prolonged tour of duty.
The security vetting of the film crew was very thorough and months after the documentary was completed I was told of the occasional salesman, long lost relative etc asking my neighbours about me and my wife’s social, dining, sexual and spending habits..
Like how often did I go to the pub, did we drive new cars, was either of us having an affair, were we in debt etc..all blackmail material I suppose to an interested foreign party.
Any way, the vetted film crew eventually arrived in Helensburgh on the West coast of Scotland and we were given a number of briefings about life on the ship, security and safety procedures, behavioural procedures etc.We also filmed a lot of preliminary activity..
Then came departure day.
In my early career I was a trainee mining engineer in the Coal Industry and would normally work on a very low coal seam, two feet six inches to about three feet high .In mainly total blackness and very dusty. We could never stand up once we had crawled along the face area. The seams were twelve hundred feet underground if I remember correctly, but am OK if anyone actually knows what depth those West Cumbrian seams were at. It was extremely claustrophobic.
I was eternally grateful to leave that Industry and join one that let me be out and about, fresh air, big sky, mountains etc.
Now I was about to enter a steel tube that would be submerged for a number of weeks, in relatively crowded conditions, subject to Navy discipline and absolutely no means of communication to family or friends ashore.
Insanity
The film crew lined up on the Jetty as the sailors were stowing supplies etc and we were introduced to the senior Naval personnel who were detailed to keep an eye on us, answer our questions, make sure we didn’t film anything remotely security sensitive, show us our quarters. And keep us out of the way.
I decided that as soon as I entered the ship I would not return to the dockside. I needed to get my head into the fact that I would be living in a cocoon for weeks. Get used to it. And that is exactly what I did.
During the short spell I was on the ship before the other crew members came on board, one of the crew was deemed to be a security breach and was removed from the crew list. No cruise for him.
The Producer was bollocked by the Captain for bringing a rolled up umbrella on board and was sent ashore to dispose of it, seems brollies are not seen as good luck symbols on a submarine
The Eminent Defence Correspondent from a well known newspaper we had with us who was also the “Expert Presenter” was taken to the Officers mess and immediately given an armed escort .This chap could not go to the bathroom without an armed sailor accompanying him. Not to everyone’s taste. Also most of the Aft section of the ship was out of bounds to him
That’s where the Nuclear reactor was.
A Chief Petty Officer showed us to our Quarters.
What he actually did was point to a rather long, brightly lit corridor and said we could kip there, on the floor, in our sleeping bags of course. The ship worked 24/7 and this was a busy old thoroughfare, but that was the sleeping arrangement. Like it or lump it.
The film crew were based in the Officers mess, quite a small area but with lots to read and some comfy chairs.
For our benefit the duplicate dials showing important attitudes of the vessel were all covered up. No Compass indicator, depth, speed etc. All classified info.
The only drawback to being in the Officers mess was the fact it was dry, and by that I mean ARID.
Absolutely no alcohol whatsoever. It would have been easier to get a drink in Mecca than in that Officers mess, which was probably a good thing considering what those Officers were in charge of.
However, just across the corridor lay a mess of a different order.
The Chiefs Mess.
Because there are more Chief Petty Officers than Commissioned Officers then the Mess room was somewhat bigger, again it had comfortable sofas, some moody lighting, tables and chairs dotted about and at the end of the long room, in splendid isolation, the other Mecca for drinkers. The Bar.
With the Military, any branch, in order to enter a mess then an invitation must be issued by the branch that run the Mess.
The film crews invitation to use the Chiefs Mess for socialising came after three days into the trip, by then the CPO’s had seen us around, worked out we were not TV puffs and decided to let us into their Hallowed Quarters This was probably determined by the fact that our Director was an ex Officer in the SAS.
The Brolly toting Producer got into trouble again, he had a rather fancy hairstyle and he kept it quite long, so long that occasionally he would surreptitiously give it a quick going over with a hair spray.
He only did it once when on board..
The tannoy in the Officers mess suddenly burst into life and the Captains distinctive gravelly voice came on. “Would the person who is now using hair spray desist immediately, It stinks and is fucking up the ventilation system”.
CPO MESS
On arrival at the appointed hour we were led in, introduced to the crowded room and all of us were then given a half pint of amber liquid. Upon enquiry we were told that this was our spirit ration …for day one…. and to get it down because the other two days rations were lined up on the bar.
As you can imagine the rest of the trip passed in something of a blur and I only have brief snatches of memory
I do vividly remember visiting the toilets/shower area sometime during that session to witness the sound assistant sitting on a toilet with the door open, having a severe attack of the runs, he would rapidly rise and then vomit down the pot, then into the shower for a quick clean up and then back to it again, the runs and vomiting I mean..
For a few days he was oblivious to his sleeping conditions .Ironically, today, that person is a hugely successful wine grower in NZ..
During the trip we were to discover that all of the furnishings in the Mess had been modified to hold booze. The table tops were perched on barrels, all of the padded seating would be removed to reveal stacks of bottles and more barrels and some of the wall panels also hid the liquid treasure..
Down at the pointy bit of the vessel lived a sub species of humankind, cruelly but rightly referred to by the rest of the navy crew as the “Scum”. The appropriate Navy title is Able Seaman.
These creatures were rarely seen and never referred to if possible. They were at the extreme end of the Navy food chain They scuttled about the forward portion of the ship in their own netherworld.
It was among this outfit that I would find lodgings.
As we moved around the vessel I would be constantly looking for a more comfortable place to put my sleeping bag. I didn’t mind the brightly lit corridor or being stepped on occasionally but every so often the Missile tubes would be vented, a process that involved a very loud hissing noise and one that I never got used to.
On one of my probes around the ship I entered the area of the Scum and found that the Torpedo cradles were a perfect fit. The torpedo area was rarely visited and it was quiet .In I moved and stayed there for the remainder of the trip.
I slowly became a part of Scum life.
Angles and Dangles
That’s what they called it. It was more like a collective slalom with suicide being the ultimate objective.
The major dining hall was amazingly large for a submarine and at one stage early in the trip all of the tables and chairs were moved out and any one with the desire to end it all gathered at one end of the long room with a food tray.
Then the ship dived…almost vertically, the surge of power was massive and everyone not tied down went into a dive, the idea was to actually sit on the tray and have a sleigh ride. It didn’t work out like that.
Dozens of sailors went flying down the hall to land in a heap at the other and, great fun, the ship stopped diving, shuddered a little, and went into a powerful climb up through the ocean. Again all the sailors went flying down the room to end in a heap at the other end.
I am told it was a serious exercise ..It didn’t look it. That was Angles and Dangles
On another occasion a string was tied to the shell of the ship at one side and stretched across to the other side. It was tied tight and taut. When the ship dived the string went very slack. What the pressure was on the outside hull is any bodies guess. Scary.
To cut a long trip down into a few anecdotes ..we settled in to the routine of the ship, ate in the Officers Mess, got drunk in the Chiefs Mess and I slept with the scum in their mess. They had some endearing little habits which are far too disgusting to relate here but this is something I did observe.
For this trip a new AB had joined the crew .He had a reputation that had spread before him and he was anxiously awaited.
He was reputed to have the longest erect penis in the Navy.
The Scum had money riding on this and the ships pride was at stake among the Submariners fleet. If the reputation was indeed well earned then the crews standing among their fellow seamen would be massively enhanced….They needed to know.
Unfortunately the supposed proud owner of this prodigious member was very shy and naturally reluctant to supply evidence. After a few days the patience of the Scum had worn thin and they decided to take matters into their own hands, in a manner of speaking.
They ambushed the unfortunate lad, stripped him and tied him to a chair .Then they placed a stack of the most vile pornography in front of him and told him to look
He did look but not at the mags, ..solution,.. every time he looked away or closed his eyes he was tapped on the head with a small hammer. It seemed to work and within a few minutes detailed measurements were being taken.
This was a very serious business and the Scum all offered him their daily beer ration of three cans each to compensate for the ridge of small lumps now appearing across the top of his head..
Escape
There was real fire alarm during the trip and as I was trained to get to my section as quick as possible. I legged it through the ship to my area among the Torpedoes. As I ran across the last section the steel door in front of me was slammed shut and faces of the Scum were peering out at me through the thick glass panel.
Thanks Lads.. I ran back to another section and managed to get through before the watertight seals were activated
I was soon kitted out with a life jacket and was standing in a queue to get to the escape hatch.
I was told that when it was my turn and I exited the ship that I had to blow all of the air out of my lungs as hard as I could, all the way up to the surface. Seems rather a strange thing to do but at great depths the inside air pressure would be so enormous that it would blow my lungs apart..
It was with great relief that the alarm was called off. I don’t think I was the only one pleased about that, particularly as I am not comfortable underwater without a Scuba outfit and we had no idea how deep we were.
Later in the trip the ship surfaced for us to film the hatch covers on the missiles being opened. I have no clue where we were but it was deathly quiet as this huge warship just sat in the swell and we almost started whispering as the sixteen hatches slowly swung upward. Looking down on a highly polished Polaris missile or its ballast dummy was a scary moment, If that thing was ever fired in anger then the world as we knew it would be gone forever.
We were on the surface for just a reasonably short time but we were not too popular when we re-entered the ship and slid beneath the surface again, apparently most of the crew had begun to feel queasy and some were actually seasick from the rolling of the boat in the swell
Towards the end of the trip we approached the Clyde at dawn, it was a perfect sunrise and we were on the surface, almost silently gliding up the deep inland waterway to the ships base. The Captain invited me and a couple of crew members onto the bridge. Actually we almost begged him to let us up there
It is still one of the abiding and proud memories for me. To stand on the top of the conning tower as we headed to port in one of the deadliest craft in the world, manned by a very professional outfit, in spite of my stories on here.
When we were tied up at the dockside there was a sudden panic on board, Some high ranking Officer, Admiral of the Fleet or equivalent wanted to come on a quick visit.
Film crews in general are not known for being tidy dressers and it was decided by the First Officer that perhaps we might consider staying out of sight during the brief visit, but where. The perfect place, a broom cupboard….even submarines need to be swept occasionally.
So all five of us duly crammed into the cupboard .It was a tight fit.
The visit began and as the entourage made its way around for some ritual inspection the door of our cupboard was opened by the Admiral. He was in full dress uniform and dripping with Gold Braid. The ships Officers behind him looked a little grim.
“Good Morning Gentlemen”
“Good morning Sir” we chorused .
“Have you had a good trip”
“Wonderful Sir”
“Good,” he looked around the cupboard “ Nice quarters”
With that he closed the door and they all moved on.
Two further small anecdotes to finish. After all of my fears of claustrophobia I was the last one of the film crew to leave the vessel. I had become accustomed to it.
During the course of the trip we had never been allowed to buy any of the CPO’s a drink in spite of their massive hospitality, but we did say we would buy them all a drink when we arrived back at base
We left the vessel and moved to a Hotel nearby as we still had a couple of days filming to do and that evening my internal phone rang, it was reception. “Sir, could you come down to reception, there are some visitors for you”
I walked to the large mezzanine landing which looked down onto the reception area and there was the entire Submarine crew with wives and partners all waiting to be bought a drink. Almost three hundred of them. .It was a fun evening.
At the moment there is much Political debate as to the effectiveness and high cost of this Nuclear deterrent. My personal opinion is that it is worth every penny and when one looks at the nuclear proliferation in the world today, notably by some unstable and downright rogue states then I sleep a little easier at night knowing that we have a unbelievably brave and dedicated professional crew out there in a fantastic ship protecting us and definitely deterring them.
For mainly security reasons the name of the Submarine, the dates and names of the personnel have been withheld
Many years ago I was privileged to be involved in a crew that would join a Royal Navy Polaris Nuclear Submarine for its shakedown cruise before it went off on a prolonged tour of duty.
The security vetting of the film crew was very thorough and months after the documentary was completed I was told of the occasional salesman, long lost relative etc asking my neighbours about me and my wife’s social, dining, sexual and spending habits..
Like how often did I go to the pub, did we drive new cars, was either of us having an affair, were we in debt etc..all blackmail material I suppose to an interested foreign party.
Any way, the vetted film crew eventually arrived in Helensburgh on the West coast of Scotland and we were given a number of briefings about life on the ship, security and safety procedures, behavioural procedures etc.We also filmed a lot of preliminary activity..
Then came departure day.
In my early career I was a trainee mining engineer in the Coal Industry and would normally work on a very low coal seam, two feet six inches to about three feet high .In mainly total blackness and very dusty. We could never stand up once we had crawled along the face area. The seams were twelve hundred feet underground if I remember correctly, but am OK if anyone actually knows what depth those West Cumbrian seams were at. It was extremely claustrophobic.
I was eternally grateful to leave that Industry and join one that let me be out and about, fresh air, big sky, mountains etc.
Now I was about to enter a steel tube that would be submerged for a number of weeks, in relatively crowded conditions, subject to Navy discipline and absolutely no means of communication to family or friends ashore.
Insanity
The film crew lined up on the Jetty as the sailors were stowing supplies etc and we were introduced to the senior Naval personnel who were detailed to keep an eye on us, answer our questions, make sure we didn’t film anything remotely security sensitive, show us our quarters. And keep us out of the way.
I decided that as soon as I entered the ship I would not return to the dockside. I needed to get my head into the fact that I would be living in a cocoon for weeks. Get used to it. And that is exactly what I did.
During the short spell I was on the ship before the other crew members came on board, one of the crew was deemed to be a security breach and was removed from the crew list. No cruise for him.
The Producer was bollocked by the Captain for bringing a rolled up umbrella on board and was sent ashore to dispose of it, seems brollies are not seen as good luck symbols on a submarine
The Eminent Defence Correspondent from a well known newspaper we had with us who was also the “Expert Presenter” was taken to the Officers mess and immediately given an armed escort .This chap could not go to the bathroom without an armed sailor accompanying him. Not to everyone’s taste. Also most of the Aft section of the ship was out of bounds to him
That’s where the Nuclear reactor was.
A Chief Petty Officer showed us to our Quarters.
What he actually did was point to a rather long, brightly lit corridor and said we could kip there, on the floor, in our sleeping bags of course. The ship worked 24/7 and this was a busy old thoroughfare, but that was the sleeping arrangement. Like it or lump it.
The film crew were based in the Officers mess, quite a small area but with lots to read and some comfy chairs.
For our benefit the duplicate dials showing important attitudes of the vessel were all covered up. No Compass indicator, depth, speed etc. All classified info.
The only drawback to being in the Officers mess was the fact it was dry, and by that I mean ARID.
Absolutely no alcohol whatsoever. It would have been easier to get a drink in Mecca than in that Officers mess, which was probably a good thing considering what those Officers were in charge of.
However, just across the corridor lay a mess of a different order.
The Chiefs Mess.
Because there are more Chief Petty Officers than Commissioned Officers then the Mess room was somewhat bigger, again it had comfortable sofas, some moody lighting, tables and chairs dotted about and at the end of the long room, in splendid isolation, the other Mecca for drinkers. The Bar.
With the Military, any branch, in order to enter a mess then an invitation must be issued by the branch that run the Mess.
The film crews invitation to use the Chiefs Mess for socialising came after three days into the trip, by then the CPO’s had seen us around, worked out we were not TV puffs and decided to let us into their Hallowed Quarters This was probably determined by the fact that our Director was an ex Officer in the SAS.
The Brolly toting Producer got into trouble again, he had a rather fancy hairstyle and he kept it quite long, so long that occasionally he would surreptitiously give it a quick going over with a hair spray.
He only did it once when on board..
The tannoy in the Officers mess suddenly burst into life and the Captains distinctive gravelly voice came on. “Would the person who is now using hair spray desist immediately, It stinks and is fucking up the ventilation system”.
CPO MESS
On arrival at the appointed hour we were led in, introduced to the crowded room and all of us were then given a half pint of amber liquid. Upon enquiry we were told that this was our spirit ration …for day one…. and to get it down because the other two days rations were lined up on the bar.
As you can imagine the rest of the trip passed in something of a blur and I only have brief snatches of memory
I do vividly remember visiting the toilets/shower area sometime during that session to witness the sound assistant sitting on a toilet with the door open, having a severe attack of the runs, he would rapidly rise and then vomit down the pot, then into the shower for a quick clean up and then back to it again, the runs and vomiting I mean..
For a few days he was oblivious to his sleeping conditions .Ironically, today, that person is a hugely successful wine grower in NZ..
During the trip we were to discover that all of the furnishings in the Mess had been modified to hold booze. The table tops were perched on barrels, all of the padded seating would be removed to reveal stacks of bottles and more barrels and some of the wall panels also hid the liquid treasure..
Down at the pointy bit of the vessel lived a sub species of humankind, cruelly but rightly referred to by the rest of the navy crew as the “Scum”. The appropriate Navy title is Able Seaman.
These creatures were rarely seen and never referred to if possible. They were at the extreme end of the Navy food chain They scuttled about the forward portion of the ship in their own netherworld.
It was among this outfit that I would find lodgings.
As we moved around the vessel I would be constantly looking for a more comfortable place to put my sleeping bag. I didn’t mind the brightly lit corridor or being stepped on occasionally but every so often the Missile tubes would be vented, a process that involved a very loud hissing noise and one that I never got used to.
On one of my probes around the ship I entered the area of the Scum and found that the Torpedo cradles were a perfect fit. The torpedo area was rarely visited and it was quiet .In I moved and stayed there for the remainder of the trip.
I slowly became a part of Scum life.
Angles and Dangles
That’s what they called it. It was more like a collective slalom with suicide being the ultimate objective.
The major dining hall was amazingly large for a submarine and at one stage early in the trip all of the tables and chairs were moved out and any one with the desire to end it all gathered at one end of the long room with a food tray.
Then the ship dived…almost vertically, the surge of power was massive and everyone not tied down went into a dive, the idea was to actually sit on the tray and have a sleigh ride. It didn’t work out like that.
Dozens of sailors went flying down the hall to land in a heap at the other and, great fun, the ship stopped diving, shuddered a little, and went into a powerful climb up through the ocean. Again all the sailors went flying down the room to end in a heap at the other end.
I am told it was a serious exercise ..It didn’t look it. That was Angles and Dangles
On another occasion a string was tied to the shell of the ship at one side and stretched across to the other side. It was tied tight and taut. When the ship dived the string went very slack. What the pressure was on the outside hull is any bodies guess. Scary.
To cut a long trip down into a few anecdotes ..we settled in to the routine of the ship, ate in the Officers Mess, got drunk in the Chiefs Mess and I slept with the scum in their mess. They had some endearing little habits which are far too disgusting to relate here but this is something I did observe.
For this trip a new AB had joined the crew .He had a reputation that had spread before him and he was anxiously awaited.
He was reputed to have the longest erect penis in the Navy.
The Scum had money riding on this and the ships pride was at stake among the Submariners fleet. If the reputation was indeed well earned then the crews standing among their fellow seamen would be massively enhanced….They needed to know.
Unfortunately the supposed proud owner of this prodigious member was very shy and naturally reluctant to supply evidence. After a few days the patience of the Scum had worn thin and they decided to take matters into their own hands, in a manner of speaking.
They ambushed the unfortunate lad, stripped him and tied him to a chair .Then they placed a stack of the most vile pornography in front of him and told him to look
He did look but not at the mags, ..solution,.. every time he looked away or closed his eyes he was tapped on the head with a small hammer. It seemed to work and within a few minutes detailed measurements were being taken.
This was a very serious business and the Scum all offered him their daily beer ration of three cans each to compensate for the ridge of small lumps now appearing across the top of his head..
Escape
There was real fire alarm during the trip and as I was trained to get to my section as quick as possible. I legged it through the ship to my area among the Torpedoes. As I ran across the last section the steel door in front of me was slammed shut and faces of the Scum were peering out at me through the thick glass panel.
Thanks Lads.. I ran back to another section and managed to get through before the watertight seals were activated
I was soon kitted out with a life jacket and was standing in a queue to get to the escape hatch.
I was told that when it was my turn and I exited the ship that I had to blow all of the air out of my lungs as hard as I could, all the way up to the surface. Seems rather a strange thing to do but at great depths the inside air pressure would be so enormous that it would blow my lungs apart..
It was with great relief that the alarm was called off. I don’t think I was the only one pleased about that, particularly as I am not comfortable underwater without a Scuba outfit and we had no idea how deep we were.
Later in the trip the ship surfaced for us to film the hatch covers on the missiles being opened. I have no clue where we were but it was deathly quiet as this huge warship just sat in the swell and we almost started whispering as the sixteen hatches slowly swung upward. Looking down on a highly polished Polaris missile or its ballast dummy was a scary moment, If that thing was ever fired in anger then the world as we knew it would be gone forever.
We were on the surface for just a reasonably short time but we were not too popular when we re-entered the ship and slid beneath the surface again, apparently most of the crew had begun to feel queasy and some were actually seasick from the rolling of the boat in the swell
Towards the end of the trip we approached the Clyde at dawn, it was a perfect sunrise and we were on the surface, almost silently gliding up the deep inland waterway to the ships base. The Captain invited me and a couple of crew members onto the bridge. Actually we almost begged him to let us up there
It is still one of the abiding and proud memories for me. To stand on the top of the conning tower as we headed to port in one of the deadliest craft in the world, manned by a very professional outfit, in spite of my stories on here.
When we were tied up at the dockside there was a sudden panic on board, Some high ranking Officer, Admiral of the Fleet or equivalent wanted to come on a quick visit.
Film crews in general are not known for being tidy dressers and it was decided by the First Officer that perhaps we might consider staying out of sight during the brief visit, but where. The perfect place, a broom cupboard….even submarines need to be swept occasionally.
So all five of us duly crammed into the cupboard .It was a tight fit.
The visit began and as the entourage made its way around for some ritual inspection the door of our cupboard was opened by the Admiral. He was in full dress uniform and dripping with Gold Braid. The ships Officers behind him looked a little grim.
“Good Morning Gentlemen”
“Good morning Sir” we chorused .
“Have you had a good trip”
“Wonderful Sir”
“Good,” he looked around the cupboard “ Nice quarters”
With that he closed the door and they all moved on.
Two further small anecdotes to finish. After all of my fears of claustrophobia I was the last one of the film crew to leave the vessel. I had become accustomed to it.
During the course of the trip we had never been allowed to buy any of the CPO’s a drink in spite of their massive hospitality, but we did say we would buy them all a drink when we arrived back at base
We left the vessel and moved to a Hotel nearby as we still had a couple of days filming to do and that evening my internal phone rang, it was reception. “Sir, could you come down to reception, there are some visitors for you”
I walked to the large mezzanine landing which looked down onto the reception area and there was the entire Submarine crew with wives and partners all waiting to be bought a drink. Almost three hundred of them. .It was a fun evening.
At the moment there is much Political debate as to the effectiveness and high cost of this Nuclear deterrent. My personal opinion is that it is worth every penny and when one looks at the nuclear proliferation in the world today, notably by some unstable and downright rogue states then I sleep a little easier at night knowing that we have a unbelievably brave and dedicated professional crew out there in a fantastic ship protecting us and definitely deterring them.
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